The Subconscious’ Christmas: A Filthy, Vintage, Hipster Holiday!

Got yourself several hours of audio and video to spare? Listen to it while you’re gift wrapping, baking cookies, or moaning about those cha cha heels! Wait until Christmas morning–your present will be shiny and brand new! Remember Mother’s Day? I gave you the motherload of appreciation for the female figure of the house! Now I give you: perverted Santas! Creepy elves! a Yo La Tengo Hannukah! Secularize it up a bit with Female Trouble! The disgruntled American family portrait of Church once a year! What else could you ask for?

Just two weeks ago, I dressed up like an elf and volunteered at the Roxie Theater’s “A John Waters Christmas Show” I got a lot of ideas, and was inspired to make a mix for the season, even if the season is only days away from being over. Oh well, it’s reusable! I was going to hand produce a mixtape and make cut out collages of cool vintage pictures, such as the one’s I’ve selected for this display. I’d hand write personalized notes with customized collages, and I’d slip in a twenty five song mix of my own Christmas jams. But I’m too lazy, and too late so I’m doing it all digitally. If I didn’t send you something, consider this your present. If I don’t know you, consider this blog post your bible. Christmas has always had it’s dedicated place in the wall of genres, and here it is revived, sparkled, and personalized! I love Christmas, and I hate it, too. John Waters said, “I love Christmas so fucking much, I could shit!” Me too, although, sometimes the shit is stronger than the Christmas spirit. Sometimes you just don’t get those cha cha heels, and the shopping goes to Amazon finders, gift cards, and Walgreen’s plethora of cheap, impersonal rubbish. Whether you like it or not, the Christmas feeling is a unique feeling of its own, one that comes around only once a year. And in this blog post, I’ll be dissecting aspects of Christmas culture in the form of different Christmas songs, from singer-songwriter originals to traditional songs made famous by oldies and youngsters alike.

Warning: Be prepared to be attacked by John Waters ephemera

A Stack of Christmas Vinyl and CD’s: Gabe’s Favorite X-Mas Compilations

Shannon and the Clams Ruin Christmas 7”-Shannon and the Clams

I’ve mentioned Shannon and the Clams before on this blog, not always in a positive light. I   dubbed them as queercore, and when I met guitarist Cody Blanchard at the Rickshaw Stop here in San Francisco he said, “well, I don’t really know how that applies to us because none of us are gay.” I felt a real burn there. Can I trust my blogger instincts? I don’t want to be the juicy and band hated Hipster Runoff or Brooklyn Vegan. I love Shannon and the Clams, but if they were referring to that blog post, hell, I’m embarrassed. As queer-loving as they are, and in their context, if any queer dub is applicable it would be queer-fi, Shannon and the Clams are not gay. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t celebratory or spirited, nonetheless, flamboyant! Punk manifests itself in kitschy, fuzzy, tacky vintage forms also. Take this limited edition 7”. The Clams love their holidays, complete with Grandma’s knitted Christmas sweaters and hand painted pawn shop ornaments. Not to mention Phil Spector’s umpteenth amount of Christmas records. Oakland’s 1-2-3-4 Go! Records is offering this four song EP for just 5 bucks, and it’s Red Vinyl too. It’s logical for the Clams to love the holidays, what other spunky slice of American pie is there to honor more in the age of infatuation with the uncool and the cheesy becoming cool? It’s the vintage craze’s next big thing! Features a Hawaiian Christmas song from Christmas Vacation, the original technicolor VHS production that a hip-revivalist would love! And, not to underscore the John Waters Christmas opener hit “Fat Daddy.” (This isn’t the only time Mr. Waters and his holiday posse will be mentioned in this blog post) Shannon, according to SF weekly, was raised Mormon, so it’s very fitting if you pick this up at a Bay Area record store you’ll also cop out all the one dollar Mormon Tabernacle Christmas compilations on vinyl. Get ‘em, while you can!

If out of town, order here: http://www.1234gorecords.com/catalog/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=65&products_id=904

“Phil Spector Christmas Album”-Various Artists

Aside from writing one of my favorite pop songs, “I Love How You Love Me”, which is covered beautifully by Neutral Milk Hotel’s Jeff Mangum, the one thing that Spector never fails to do is deliver a solid collection of Christmas hits, new ones, spiced up renditions, classic Motown flare and traditional laments. Not just one, god, have I lost count? There’s a Christmas Gift For You and Christmas: The Phil Spector Way are some to mention. but for this list, I’ll go ahead with Phil Spector’s Christmas Album. Released before he bid farewell to us and hello to the warden, here he looks as if Santa’s an undercover mall cop, or he happened to be on a speed round of child hugs and wish lists  from his risque prison break. In disguise as Santa, who could catch him? (hint: the pervert glare) I happened to find this for just ten dollars on one of my vinyl binges/hunts, and boy it is a keeper! Take the cover, but then the collection that he’s mastered. It’s got a timeless feel to it…featuring The Crystals, The Ronettes, Darlene Love and Bob B. Soxx and the Blue Jeans doing what fits them best. It’s got airy and light tinged hooks with sleigh bells and hi-fi melodies, yet focuses in brilliantly on the swoons and aches of the premiere voices.  The Ronettes and The Crystals act as Santa’s helpers with the pop-romps of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and “Sleigh Ride” while Darlene Love uses her tough yet sweet fire in the sophisticated “White Christmas” and her signature hit “Christmas Baby (Please Come Home).” And in the end, Spector finishes it off with his talk singing thank you to all the artists with a backdrop of doo wop harmonies from “Silent Night.”It’s hilarious and heartwarming. Now who does one of those musical thank you’s on a record anymore? That’s vintage for you right there!

“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”-South Park

A church music director and organist gave me a burnt copy of this album. Filthy? Weird? Not you’re average Sunday morning carols? Ding ding ding! I’d expect maybe the masses to sing angelic Sufjan Stevens tracks before we’d step near the offensive and vile South Park X-Mas compilation! Not to mention the awful choice of having Bono curate your Church’s roster of songbooks (u2charist? gag me!). Nope, this guy didn’t actually lock a bunch of kids in his room to sing “Merry Fucking Christmas.” That would be torture. Instead, I was given this CD, and I have to say, it’s a sickening, wicked guilty pleasure. Full of offensive, euphemism and stereotype driven lullabies that tell Muslims, Hindus and Shintoists to get off their asses and have some Christmas spirit (don’t quote me wrongly on this). It doesn’t have quite the redeeming social commentary and American political value that John Waters has with his films, however, it’s almost nearly as fun. And for those who might not like the offensives uttered, they could skip around and find Isaac Hayes’ wonderfully smooth and bold rendition of “What The Hell Child Is This (Greensleeves)” RIP Chef! Or what about Stan’s sister Shelly’s lisp used as torment on “I Saw Three Ships”, or Kyle’s balladeering on “The Lonely Jew On Christmas”, which features a very special Jewish superstar (shhh) Don’t play Dreidel Dreidel with Kyle, because as Cartman says, “Dreidel’s fuckin’ gay!” Ditto for the album. Make your sleigh ride dirty, which, of course, is all the more American.

“Christmas in the Heart”-Bob Dylan

Laugh at me all you want. What? This is a great album. Thirty minutes of fun, fun, fun! Just    look at the cover. I can already identify one on the surface irony: the Hallmark looking drawing. Where is that from? Antique’s Road Show? Mysterious ex-Suburban housewife painter lady make it after some classes at the backwoods community college? Sure, Dylan’s a born again Christian, but that doesn’t mean he still can’t sing like a blatant misanthrope, straight from Scrooge and Grinch-esque anti-the-real-meaning-of-Christmas rhetoric. Or maybe Dylan’s just fucking with our heads. Posing with a Santa hat? Covering “Little Drummer Boy”, the sappiest Christmas ballad of them all? Testing our willpower to take him seriously, I presume. If neither of those are a joke, then I don’t know what to believe. The real Dylan doesn’t exist? He’s undergone more metamorphosis? Born again-again? Whatever it is, it’s a hilarious album. Whether the intent is serious or not, don’t hesitate to chuckle when Dylan gargles his phlegm halfway through a high note on one of those ballads. Or when he tries to act cute for the little ones and the spirited carolers. You can’t help but picture reclusive and war scarred Grandpa in a figurative straightjacket because he’s forced to sing those goddamn carols. Christians still have humor, and sure, they’re bad and sinful, Dylan tells us, so why not name the album “Goddamnit, Here’s Me Pretending to Enjoy Christmas!” Just come clean already. In the meantime, laugh, gargle, spit, and choke on your Christmas feast. Dylan’s here to be your class act Santa clown. Just don’t convince him to become a mime.

“A John Waters Christmas”-Various Artists as Chosen by Mr. Waters

I remember the day I met John Waters. For the first of four times, that is. It was early December 2004 and I was a tasteless little kid. I went to Amoeba Music with my dad to stand in line to meet John, buy his Christmas album, and for my dad to have his original Polyester Odorama card signed. That same day at Amoeba, I remember getting Lindsay Lohan’s debut album. I was nine, and like I said before, tasteless. But that day opened me up to something, and someone, I can’t live without this day: John Waters films, his humor, his entourage, him. This album is my favorite Christmas album, and sure, my endless mention of him prior, and wait, there’s more to come, may feel like overkill, and you might have inferred. But what other figure loves Christmas so much to make us want to love it because he loves it? The reason why he’s the first thing I think of when I think of Christmas is because of his dedication to the holiday, the craft, the hopsitality, and the customs surrounding it (not to mention his added niche!). A John Waters Christmas is a well rounded mix of classic holiday cheer, quirky and obscure singles, combining both the perverted and the sane to balance it out. But, knowing John Waters, how thin is the line between the two? The album opens with “Fat Daddy”, an under two minute song that is nothing but a brooding, sultry male voice backed by reindeer bells, and segues into “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” done eloquently and tastefully by Tiny Tim (how else did David Byrne and David Longstreth acquire the falsetto?), the barbershop quartet sound of “Christmas Time is Here” to the soft spoken storytime tall tales of “Happy Birthday Jesus (A Child’s Prayer)”, which is illuminated by the nasal voice of a child, and “Little Mary Christmas”, one of those cheesy hallmark metaphors for the poor orphans, if illustrated would look like a gleaming Norman Rockwell advent calendar. There is also Alvin and the Chipmunk’s “Sleigh Ride” and Little Eva and Big Dee Irwin’s pulsing candid funk hit “I Wish You A Merry Christmas” to spark familiarity. The centerpiece is the vulgar redneck anthem “Here Comes Fatty Claus”, and the final track is an equally funny child-sung and gospel backed “Santa Claus is a Black Man”, and before it we have the funniest of all nasal child voices on “Sleigh Bells, Reindeer, and Snow.” John Waters gives us a sleigh ride full of treats, from both familiar and underrepresented faces, channeling and chronicling the merrily essential aspects of Christmas into one handpicked CD. Who could we trust more?

I put this in reluctantly, mostly for the fun of it…look at me as a child. I was destined to love John all along.

Here’s a more updated one, taken after the Roxie show (12-11-10).

Super Selection of Christmas Audio and Video Spam:

Your best Christmas Mix, featuring selected tracks from the aforementioned albums, as well as others…

Sufjan Stevens’ new Christmas mini album, featuring Arcade Fire and The National members:

Sonic Youth-”Santa Doesn’t Cop Out on Dope”

For more Christmas fun, consult this list of fresh and hip seasonal songs:

http://pitchfork.com/news/40787-holiday-music-roundup/

There’s stuff from Candy Claws, Crystal Stilts, Tracey Thorn, Paul Simon, Best Coast and more!

and lastly, you MUST NOT open this little gift until Christmas Day, after you open the rest of your gifts. Let’s hope yours is a twisted, spoiled, tree-falls-on-mom holiday! OH NO, NOT ON CHRISTMAS!